It was 3 am and I didn't feel tired at all. I could hear the rats on the rooftop, they were either doing intercourse or creating a cult. Which one it was I had no intention to dig a lil deeper.
If it's like in the movie, I surely will heard a ticking clock but who has a clock nowadays? We're going digital and thank God it's digital. Otherwise my head would explode from the sound of the tick tock tick tock.
I was thinking about life. Not this life but waaaayyy more of the past life. Really really past. I might remembered the day I was born if I tried harder.
I saw the first day of elementary school. I woke up at 6 am, run to my mom outside the house, specifically she was at my neighbor's house shopping for today's food. I told my mom, "let's go to school". I was a dumbass, my school is in front of my house (still that's why I use IS) and it was only 6am the school started at 7am. Dumbo!
It was sixth grade. My classmates were gathering around me. Someone slapped me. Bullying day, I will never forget that day.
Indeed I jumped into the first day of junior high school's orientation. I was so embarrassed because I was the only one who wore lots of huge furry hairbands. The seniors told us to wear hairbands on both hands but the store was running out of normal hairbands so I had to buy what's left. It was embarrassing...I wish I'd die right on spot. I tried so hard to hide it, I could hear my seniors talk about how stupid I am. It's probably not tho, it's only in my head. But thus began my lack of self confidence.
I can hear the voices. They spoke to my brain never had the intention to calm me down, haunted my soul. Dragged me into the deepest well, left me broken-hearted.
It was 3:15am and I couldn't shut my eyes. Something's wrong. The rats have stopped doing whatever they were doing 15 minutes ago. I was left alone. Should I?
Irreplaceable they said. Nope... I'm pretty sure no one loves me. The biggest lie is when they told me they will be sad when I'm gone. Don't think that's true. I'm replaceable darlings.
What it feels like to have suicidal thoughts?
I was alone. There were sweats even the room was cold. The heart was racing to the point of it almost explode. Thin air, stabbed my whole body like thousands of needle. I scrolled down my contacts. Who should I call?
No one…
I'm alone. Even when I wanted to kill myself, I still thinking about what people would thought of me. I don't need an extra pressure. To stabilized my breath was what I needed.
I cried so hard. So hard my throat hurts. The voices kept talking. "Kill yourself. Please. It's the only way. It'll be fun... it'll be gone...you will not get hurt again."
It's a sin!!! I'm afraid that God will be angry. I don't want to be put in the mighty hell. My life is a hell.
"But you are worthless. You do know that right? You are lost. Does your friends even checking up on you? Even your husband is falling asleep right now never have the idea how hard it is for you. Look at your family...they have nothing to lose, honey."
It was a huge fight. I cried again. I will lose.
"That's my girl...You ready?"
I saw my reflection on the mirror. They were there, on top of my head. Black shadows. Huge teeth. Red eyes. Scary laughs. Hands shaped of scissors as if they're going to cut the string of my life. They almost did.
What did I do?
They didn't cut my string that night. I slept on the floor. I gave myself more time to think about it. "Pull yourself together, let's see how tomorrow will be."
I didn't do it. I'm here now. But I'm so afraid that someday I will lose the battle. It's suffocating. A tiring journey that I have to embrace for the rest of my life whether I want it or not. It stays.
I thought I knew my illness so well. It keeps giving me surprises (not in a fun way). It has a plan to destroy me, that's why I'm building a barrier right now. It's not strong enough to hold the monsters. Luckily... I'm gaining more material. I will fight.
"You are loved. You have a long journey ahead. You can do anything. Give yourself a time to be good at it."
Sure lad...sure.
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